[hopeful]

I should be home in a week or so. I'm in Fairfield right now and then Chicago and then FL. Sometimes I wish I could just stay one place forever. Well- not really, but always leaving somewhere is kind of a bummer. I know I'll be really glad to be home and I miss everyone there so much, but I feel like I was in the middle of a lot of things in Columbia and I'm always saying goodbye to somebody and things are always being put on hold or changing. As always I am working on appreciating the moment and where I am at any given time.

I am back in Columbia after spring break. I cannot believe my first year of college has gone by so quickly- well, quickly and slowly at the same time. That's always how it is though. Quickly looking back on it, slowly when I was homesick for Florida. It's beautiful here now, there are new flowers planted all over campus and everything is blooming, I love spring. It's hard to imagine everything gray and covered in snow like it was. Total transformation. It's a new experience for me to actually get to see all four seasons.
I think sometimes when I'm homesick I let myself forget all of the thing I'm thankful for that are in my life in Columbia and maybe I take being here forgranted. I really wish I could learn to "be here now" more and stop wishing I was always somewhere else. I'm going to go through so many changes and probably live in a lot of different places in my life, I hope I can learn to be more appreciative of what's around me. I get overwhelmed too often by looking at the future all at once, if that makes sense. Sometimes I just wish I could stop growing up. I'm envious of the people that have stayed closer to home and sometimes I wish I could have done that too, but then I wouldn't have had all of the experiences I've had this year or met any of the amazing people here. The grass is always greener...

Recent events:

Me/Ben Kweller<3

"I am wasted but I'm ready..."







---
I am exhausted beyonddd belief. Amazing weekend- but I have not accomplished ANY of my homework which means I have a pretty big project to start andcomplete today, haha ghfjdk whatever

This week has been taking forever. I am so ready for tomorrow to be Friday. I have two major project to start (and complete) this weekend, but other than that, it should be a good weekend. Something exciting is happening, I can't really remember what it is at the moment haha. Next weekend is a long weekend, so that should definately be good. Trevor is coming so that means i'll be taking some trips to the STL airport. Kat, trevor and I will be one happy family that weekend I guess haha. No...I'll probably try to not be in our room most of the time. We'll see though. I need to order some books on Amazon tonight, $2 holla. I really need to go pick up my freaking pay check from Cafe Berlin haha. Geeze. I keep hearing myself guarantee things lately that I know I can't really promise, or that I'm not sure I want to be promising. I think I just feel anxious when I start talking about really "long-term" things. I get restless. Or afraid? Is it really true that I don't fall in love? [I'm not the one you want, baby, I will only let you down. You say you're looking for someone who will promise never to part, someone to close his eyes for you, someone to close his heart, someone who will die for you and more...a lover for your life and nothing more, but it ain't me babe]. Timing is really everything. I don't mean for this to sound so serious.

I keep trying to think of some way to summarize my life in a paragraph, and nothing sounds right.
It's strange that I can have so much fun here, but miss home & my life there so much at the same time. The grass is always greener, right?
<3

Why does everything always looks so much better in retrospect?


















All of this cold is sucking the life out of me lol

I miss being warm.

First week of classes went well, it was mostly just- okay here's your syllabus now you can leave- so that was cool. No classes Monday for MLK day. I turn 19 a week from tomorrow, it will be my first birthday away from my family. I'm a little bummed about it, but it'll be okay.
I have a ton of stuff to buy for school and I can't really drive anywhere because of the weather :/
My classes this semester are:
life drawing (basically nude models), intro to product development (sewing), contemporary feminist theory (junior level- i'm a little worried about that), product analysis, comp 2, painting and color, and jazz (tap will be second quarter). It's a lot. We'll see how I manage to handle it all.

I spent all of Thursday, Thursday night, the early hours of Friday morning, AND Friday afternoon finishing my final project for clothing construction
Now I have to study for finals.
There is an article about people switching majors in the latest school newspaper and every example is a fashion design major switching to something else because design was too intense...
ahhhh.


Other than all of this stress from school, everything is awesome. I am going to be back in Florida on Wednesday, Robert comes home Thursday. It'll be his birthday, 25- wow.
I need to start Christmas shopping :)

I just want to go home. I don't want to write the papers I'm working on. I don't want to finish my dress. I don't want to anything...okay I'm being really lazy, I know. Thank God this will all be over with in a week and I'll be on a plane to Florida. That is if I survive until then hahaghfjkdl ahhh.


Sometimes I wish I weren't so attatched to what I left behind. Why can't I just get overrr it and start over, completely fresh? I'm going to be home for a month and I'm going to fall right back into my "old" life, it's going to be really hard to leave. Or maybe it won't be, maybe I'll be ready, who knows. I just don't know what I want from anybody- mainly him. Everybody who knows me knows who I'm talking about...whatever. A year ago I never even thought we would be in the place that we're in. Distance is a killer.


We'll see.

I think I just had a mini panic attack. I'm realizing how much I have to do this week.. this is like the ultimate week of homework for me-ever. I have three papers due for comp thursday, a paper due for peacemaking tomorrow, a dress due in clothing construction friday, a final drawing due in art sometime this week...a paper due in survey of the fashion industry sometime this week, I don't even remember when

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And I can't get myself to focus, I just keep fucking around and wasting time! Why can't I be more responsible? And efficient?




On a different note...
I come home again in like 9 days :)

'sledding' on trays we took from the cafeteria..



No classes tomorrow due to the snow storm that is happening tonight :)
The snow is so beautiful...the snow flakes are so big, it's seriously like snow from a movie or something.
:)

"An early season winter storm has taken shape over the southern and eastern Plains and the lower Mississippi Valley.
Missouri has been in the crosshairs of this system much of Thursday morning. Heavy icing has already occurred over southwestern Missouri with up to 1" of ice accumulation and 3" of sleet reported.

Additional heavy icing is possible from Springfield to St. Louis through tonight.

A pocket of colder air in the mid-layers of the atmosphere will change the freezing rain and sleet to snow before the system exits Friday. Snow accumulations of 2-4" in southwest Missouri and 6-10" near St. Louis are possible on top of the icing."
-weather.com

ahhhhhhhhhhh

It's supposed to be snowing by 2pm.
I've never been this cold in my life!

Why isn't anywhere that I want to work here hiring? The one place that's hiring is "Makes Scents" and it's basically a different version of Bath Junkie, but I wanted to do something different. Maybe I should just accept that I'm meant to work with customizable bath products.
I had my advising appt today to make my spring schedule I am tentatively taking 20 CREDIT HOURS- ahhh. The thing is 18 of those are required for my major in my freshman year anyway- apparel design is such an intense major. The other two are dance, a tap class, that I really want to take because I miss dance. And it's not like I'll have homework for that class. I have another advising appt just to figure out when in my college career I can fit in having a minor.
I got off the phone with nate tonight really suddenly for almost no reason (well, it made sense at the time), the way he was acting was annoying me and suddenly I decided I didn't want to deal with it- kind of not like me, especially with him. But oh well. I would call him back, but now it's like 2am FL time and he's probably sleeping. I am going to see him in like 8 days and it's so surreal to me.
I should be reading for Peacemaking right now. ghjfkdls
I got a TON of pictures developed today- I am determined to successfully finish a scrap book of this year. I tried to make one of my senior year of high school...and I got about half way done :/
Alright time to do something productive...


<3

ELECTION DAY!
I hope that everyone who is registered is voting today! Just because this isn't a Presidential election doesn't mean it isn't important!

http://www.rockthevote.com/is_whyvote.php

:)

Why is everything (ok, maybe just one thing- but it's important) so confusing right now? So lame.
At least I'm having fun...


Stepford wife for Halloween.







I'm going home in like 16 days- I can't even describe how excited I am to see everyone!

I don't think I'm going to be sleeping at all tonight because I have too much homework to do.
And it's definately 30 degrees outside right now



uuggghhhgjfkdls

I need to get my head on straight.
I have to stop letting certain things (or people) take priority over school. I just overwhelm myself more when I get behind. And I have to go to class! Even at 8am!
I have an interview tomorrow at a boutique called Swank downtown. I hope that I have time for this. For having a job, I mean. Because I'm not sure that I do. But we'll see I guess. I can always quit, right? Assuming I even get the job... haha. Whatever happens, happens.
I wish I could apply that to all areas of my life. So much is changing for me really fast and it's hard to know how to feel.



Project Runway time!


<3

This has been the craziest, most exciting and confusing weekend I've had since I've been here. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
"We are here to enjoy" ... I need to remember that. Life is not about suffereing. Why do we make everything so hard for ourselves?




[amazing last minute hats for a pirate party]


Yes..we did convince the geek squad guy to let us take his car for a drive.



I have 5 essays due Tuesday... for real. Maaaybe I should get on that. Some things never change?

<3

I miss palm trees.